Column: The paws that be

Dear readers,

Just in time for the holiday season, the Shelbyville/Shelby County Animal Shelter has announced a program to adopt a dead animal. The program is “Forever Homes for Dead Animals.”

Like me, you probably took a quick peek at the date to make sure it wasn’t an old announcement from April 1.  No, it is not a joke. Take a minute and think about the concept. It might sound a bit strange, but it is a wonderful program that serves a need.

You might say it’s “next level.”

Loyal readers will remember my failed attempt at being the proud owner of a living dog. Fluffy was my pride and joy. He was the cutest little ball of white fur when I adopted him. Unfortunately, Fluffy was a Great Pyrenees.

Soon, Fluffy was huge. He wouldn’t let Aunt Martha out of her house, and he used her patio furniture as chew toys. My attempt at being a dog owner had come to an end. 

When my family told me that Fluffy had gone to a new home in the country, it made me feel sad. The mental anguish suffered by Aunt Martha and my sadness of losing Fluffy could have been avoided if only I had adopted a dog that was already dead.

The dead animals available for adoption by the Shelbyville/Shelby County Animal Shelter have been cremated. Your new pet comes home in an urn. Now, for anyone who’s ever struggled taking care of a pet, this is the ultimate hassle-free solution.

Gone are the days of forgetting to feed and water your pet. With an urn, there's no more setting reminders on your phone for Fido’s meals or rushing home to walk Fluffy.

These inanimate companions come with a long list of benefits. No fleas. No allergies. No need for baths, grooming, or vet visits. When you are unexpectedly delayed getting home, the furniture isn’t chewed up and there is never a mess to clean up.

There are disadvantages. Owning a dead dog isn’t all positive. You can forget about playing catch.

However, if you were a fan of the David Letterman Show, your dead dog can do a few “stupid pet tricks.” Playing dead is the most obvious.  The command, “stay” is always obeyed. Depending on the shape of the urn and surface you place it upon, roll over can sometimes work.

On a positive note, your dead dog can accompany you wherever you go. A dead pet is the best-behaved pet you’ll ever own. They won't ever cause a disturbance by barking. They never growl and give you the side-eye when you're not giving them enough attention.

Your dead dog will never bite the Letter Carrier but can provide some personal protection. Depending on the weight of the urn and the strength of your throwing arm, your dead dog could incapacitate an intruder until the police arrive. 

And there you have it. A new chapter in the ongoing saga of pet ownership, one that’s sure to leave us all wondering if perhaps, just perhaps, we’ve been doing it wrong all along.

If you see me pedaling past on my Schwinn with an urn snugly in the basket, you will know that I have once again become a proud pet owner.

Give us a wave and shout, “Hey Kris, nice dog!”

See you all next week, same Schwinn time, same Schwinn channel.